How to Avoid Hiring a Vampire
Seriously. Vampires can be such a drain on your organization that you probably want to avoid hiring them at all costs. So I’m going to share some subtle techniques we use to ward off vampires.
Is This Discrimination? Yes. You’re walking a thin line here. To avoid an embarrassing vampire discrimination charge, treat everyone the same and never ask a job candidate point blank if they are are vampire.
Vampires are people too (or at least they used to be). Not all of them are evil. That’s why I included a “Benefits of Hiring Vampires” section later in this post.
How to recognize a vampire
Vampires are good at hiding their true identities and they can be amazingly charming and attractive. Here are some tell-tale signs to beware of so you can avoid hiring a vampire:
- They share shocking rumours about previous employers or people they worked with
- They don’t use Facebook because vampires do not appear in photographs
- Check for their shadow because vampires do not cast shadows
- They have lived in a known vampire territory such as Transylvania, the French Quarter of New Orleans, or downtown Toronto
- If they arrive in a hearse or appear out of a coffin – that’s probably a bad sign
- They wear dark sunglasses and gloves to the interview
- They look ageless with skin like a Covergirl model, only better
- If you suddenly feel stupid, hideous and doomed after chatting with a job candidate, you are probably interviewing a vampire
How to avoid hiring a vampire
- Eat garlic before interviews
- Conduct interviews in front of a sunny window
- Ask for their definition of “vegetarian”
- Offer bottles of water filled with holy water to see if they turn to dust
Benefits of hiring a vampire
If you do accidentally hire a vampire, don’t despair. Try to look on the brightside:
- Werewolves will avoid your company
- Annoying employees will suddenly disappear without a trace
- You are one step closer to living an eternal life with Robert Pattison and/or Kirsten Stewart
- You will save money on couriers, because vampires can shift into their bat state and quickly transport important documents to any destination
- Vampires are good at sales because they can hypnotize potential customers and convince them to buy your product
What to do if you accidentally hire a vampire
Obviously, firing a vampire is even more deadly than hiring a vampire. Your only recourse is to make the vampire want to leave of their own accord.
If you’re thinking, I’ll just report them to the authorities. Good luck with that.
The solution is garlic. Bake garlic cloves in the office microwave. Hang garlic cloves on the front door of your office. Eat garlic drenched Ceasar salad with a garlicky pasta dish for lunch. Have a garlic appreciation potluck lunch. Rub fresh garlic on your wrists and below your ears for extra protection. Problem solved.
Got any more tips for managing and hiring vampires? Please share!